Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
