I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
