she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
