Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
