Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
