Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
