oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
