Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
