"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
