he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
