he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
