I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
