I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
