genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
