I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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