Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
