we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What a dumb baby whore.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
