Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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