I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
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Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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