I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
