I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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