He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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