Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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