i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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