so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
