a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
