Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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