I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
