For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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