i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
