my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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