The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm going to jail i love you
My cat gives me a boner
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
