did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
