just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
