Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
