I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
