im gay
i know
yea but for you.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
