i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
