If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
