I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
