Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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