dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
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I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
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Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize