We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
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Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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