Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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