Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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