Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
