So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
