Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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