i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
