Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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