I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
