the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
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I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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