before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
