I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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